Walk tall...or baby don't walk at all.

I am 25. Almost 26. A quarter century is a pretty damn good time to take a look back on all the things you've learned. Especially because most of them were learned the hard way. I do believe that there really is no other way to learn but the hard way. Pain and growth, they make us real people. So, these are some of the most important lessons I've learned in my 25 years.

1. "It is not advisable to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener." Ayn Rand.

2. It takes A LOT more effort than you might think to change yourself. It makes it all the more worthwhile to produce meaningful change. And that change can become an integral part of who you are.

3. The majority of people in your life only want you at your best. True friends are the ones who stay around when you're at your worst. They're the ones who can see your light through all your darkness.

4. There will be times when you feel like you can't go on, that nothing will ever be right again. Push through. The world will be so much more beautiful on the other side. And you will be stronger for it. As Beckett said "I can't go on. I'll go on. "

5. Gay men, just as much as straight men, like you better when you look good. For that matter, everyone likes you better when you look good. Whether they want to admit it or not.

6. To knowingly hurt someone is one of the most difficult things you will ever do.

7. We teach others how to treat us. "We accept the love we think we deserve."

8. Finding an end to something, laying something to rest, is an extremely difficult thing to do. Yet it turns out it is more painful to drag on that which should have ended long ago.

9. Emotion and the display of it, crying, laughing, hugging someone, human touch, these things are not weaknesses. Though society would have you believe they were. They require far more strength that being stoic.

10. There are some wounds that only time (and a lot of it) can heal. There is nothing you can do to rush the pain away.

11. It takes work to know yourself. The edict from Socrates "Know thyself", this is not a simple command. You must dig deep and venture into dark and frightening places to truly discover this. And the journey never truly ends.

12. The only person who can truly measure your success is yourself.

13. You will never understand why the masses choose the things they do, i.e. George Bush, The Jonas Brothers...The only thing you can do is keep an open mind and high standards and hope that others can see beauty where you can and vice versa.

14. People are the same everywhere. Generally, most want the same things, they just specify their personal desires.

15. Politics are a complete waste of time. They are not based in any sense of logic or rational.

16. "The world owes me nothing, we owe each other the world."

17. Even if you break everything. There is always time to rebuild. All we have is time.

That's all I've got for now. Perhaps I'll add more later. Anyone who reads this...what are the most important lessons you've learned so far?

Cancer? Say What?

My boyfriend has cancer. The “Big C” as Showtime so lovingly refers to it. Now before this happened I was under the impression that real people didn’t actually get cancer. Friends of friends talked about it, distant family members or people who I rarely saw and certainly never showed any signs of it. Cancer is just one of those words the government creates to scare you into trying whatever product they’re pushing as a “cancer preventer”. Well I’m here to tell you, it’s real. And it’s serious. Serious as a heart attack..or, as cancer, I guess.

he real bitch of it is that he looks healthy, feels healthy. He even started running and got himself into to great physical shape while the cancer was taking up shop inside him. Nothing has changed. He eats like a farm animal and drinks like a fish. But his body is destroying itself. And not slowly either. As my mom so eloquently put it, “cancer is a sneaky sun of a bitch.” Up until about 3 weeks ago there were no signs that anything was wrong, then a giant lump appeared in his neck. But still, other than bearing a slight resemblance to Quasimodo, he looked and felt fine. Despite reassurances that this probably wasn’t cancer, we found out that it was Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. We lovingly referred to his lump as “Larry” and would casually whisper to Larry that he stay right where he was and not spread anywhere else.

He was assured by doctor’s that he was a Stage II, mostly due to the size of the lump on his neck. Just to be sure they would conduct a PET scan and a CAT scan and a painful bone marrow biopsy. All these test were just to make us secure in the fact that his cancer hadn’t spread. False hope. The tests came back with painful results. His cancer is aggressive and they found it in his stomach, diaphragm, both sides of his neck, lungs, and at the base of his brain. This doesn’t make sense, I just can’t wrap my head around it. How does a perfectly healthy, 25 year old man develop such an aggressive cancer? Had he waited a few more months, had that lump not appeared on his neck...well let’s just be grateful for small miracles in times like these.

So now that he is classified as Stage IVA, we’ve discovered that the treatment plan doesn’t change, really. It just makes the whole thing a bit more serious and in the event that the treatment doesn’t work. He would immediately have to switch to a different treatment which carries separate risks in itself...as do all cancer treatments. Best case scenario now looks like he will be enduring 6 months of chemotherapy and (fingers crossed) that will be it. It doesn’t look like he’ll have to have radiation. He’ll lose his hair, he’ll be incredibly sick, but he’ll get through it. He will come out the other side and life will continue...perhaps differently, through a different lens...he will float on.

Foo Fighting Takes A lot Out of You

Literally the highlight of my day. All day all I wanted was a piece of pizza...I come home after a rough day at work, and my roomies left some for me.... ♥ them

Pop Tart Sushi?

Ok So I had a few pictures to choose from today but this was my favorite. A trip to pop tart world topped off an excellent day with Crystal. And yes, the rumors are true, they make pop-tart sushi.

Our trip also included a visit to Blockheads for $3 frozen margaritas!

Dear NYC,

You are amazing.

Love, Kayla

Day #2 Big Pun Condones Spaying and Neutering

What do Big Pun and spaying and neutering your pets have in common? This mural on 103 and 3rd.

Sorry I couldn't get the whole thing in, but trust me, it's weird.

Not to mention Big Pun's not so big arms...awkward.

Day 1 (yesterday). 365 Photo Project

So here's the deal...I've seen everyone do the photo a day thing...well I'm stealing the idea. I want to take a photo a day for a year....of anything and everything. So here's the 1st one. Mary with her mexican margarita. It has paprika on the rim. CA-RAZY. We thought this Mexican place called Taco Taco would have excellent nachos. Being that they're A. Mexican and B. the menu is in spanish. However we were disappointed. We agreed that a trip to Mexico would be necessary to remedy this situation.

Pioneers!

Come my tan-faced children,
Follow well in order, get your weapons ready,
Have you your pistols? have you your sharp-edged axes?
Pioneers! O pioneers!

For we cannot tarry here,
We must march my darlings, we must bear the brunt of danger,
We the youthful sinewy races, all the rest on us depend,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O you youths, Western youths,
So impatient, full of action, full of manly pride and friendship,
Plain I see you Western youths, see you tramping with the foremost,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Have the elder races halted?
Do they droop and end their lesson, wearied over there beyond the seas?
We take up the task eternal, and the burden and the lesson,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the past we leave behind,
We debouch upon a newer mightier world, varied world,
Fresh and strong the world we seize, world of labor and the march,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

We detachments steady throwing,
Down the edges, through the passes, up the mountains steep,
Conquering, holding, daring, venturing as we go the unknown ways,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

We primeval forests felling,
We the rivers stemming, vexing we and piercing deep the mines within,
We the surface broad surveying, we the virgin soil upheaving,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Colorado men are we,
From the peaks gigantic, from the great sierras and the high plateaus,
From the mine and from the gully, from the hunting trail we come,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

From Nebraska, from Arkansas,
Central inland race are we, from Missouri, with the continental
blood intervein'd,
All the hands of comrades clasping, all the Southern, all the Northern,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O resistless restless race!
O beloved race in all! O my breast aches with tender love for all!
O I mourn and yet exult, I am rapt with love for all,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Raise the mighty mother mistress,
Waving high the delicate mistress, over all the starry mistress,
(bend your heads all,)
Raise the fang'd and warlike mistress, stern, impassive, weapon'd mistress,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

See my children, resolute children,
By those swarms upon our rear we must never yield or falter,
Ages back in ghostly millions frowning there behind us urging,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

On and on the compact ranks,
With accessions ever waiting, with the places of the dead quickly fill'd,
Through the battle, through defeat, moving yet and never stopping,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O to die advancing on!
Are there some of us to droop and die? has the hour come?
Then upon the march we fittest die, soon and sure the gap is fill'd.
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the pulses of the world,
Falling in they beat for us, with the Western movement beat,
Holding single or together, steady moving to the front, all for us,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Life's involv'd and varied pageants,
All the forms and shows, all the workmen at their work,
All the seamen and the landsmen, all the masters with their slaves,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the hapless silent lovers,
All the prisoners in the prisons, all the righteous and the wicked,
All the joyous, all the sorrowing, all the living, all the dying,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

I too with my soul and body,
We, a curious trio, picking, wandering on our way,
Through these shores amid the shadows, with the apparitions pressing,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Lo, the darting bowling orb!
Lo, the brother orbs around, all the clustering suns and planets,
All the dazzling days, all the mystic nights with dreams,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

These are of us, they are with us,
All for primal needed work, while the followers there in embryo wait behind,
We to-day's procession heading, we the route for travel clearing,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O you daughters of the West!
O you young and elder daughters! O you mothers and you wives!
Never must you be divided, in our ranks you move united,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Minstrels latent on the prairies!
(Shrouded bards of other lands, you may rest, you have done your work,)
Soon I hear you coming warbling, soon you rise and tramp amid us,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Not for delectations sweet,
Not the cushion and the slipper, not the peaceful and the studious,
Not the riches safe and palling, not for us the tame enjoyment,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Do the feasters gluttonous feast?
Do the corpulent sleepers sleep? have they lock'd and bolted doors?
Still be ours the diet hard, and the blanket on the ground,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Has the night descended?
Was the road of late so toilsome? did we stop discouraged nodding
on our way?
Yet a passing hour I yield you in your tracks to pause oblivious,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Till with sound of trumpet,
Far, far off the daybreak call--hark! how loud and clear I hear it wind,
Swift! to the head of the army!--swift! spring to your places,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Walt Whitman.

1st Month on 1st Ave

I have been a resident of New York City for nearly a month now. I thought I should develop some consistent habit of writing to set up some sort of way to chronicle my time here.

The thing that amazes me the most about living here is how quickly a place becomes routine. How something so new and frightening and inspiring can quickly become “the walk I have to take to get home” or “the dense crowd of tourists I have to force my way through to get to work.” The world is the same, really, wherever you go. People go to work, they go out, they go home. They break up and meet up and cook dinner and go to bed. Once you acclimate, you have to remind yourself of a places special qualities, and find the inspiration for yourself. The brain looks for comfort, routine. It seeks out comparable situations and tries to put the pieces together.

To be a bit less “poetic”, I’m thinking specifically of work. I walk through times square to go to work everyday. Now, since my childhood this has been a place of incredible awe to me. A place filled with countless people and representing so many dreams and opportunities to so many. Now it’s a nuisance, and those people, well they need to get their asses moving so I can get to work on time. I have to stop everyday and remind myself of just how amazing of a place it really is.

In addition, it blows my mind that “going home” means heading uptown to my apartment in east harlem...being sure to take the 96th st. stop rather than 103. I have no previous experience to compare this too. My brain keeps trying to make it routine, it’s searching for comfort. But honestly, I don’t want it. I want it to amaze me everyday. I want to be continuously inspired by the endless amounts of people and situations and ideas.

Other thoughts about NYC....

-the people here have surprised me with their kindness. Everyone is quick to give up their seat on the subway for someone who needs it. People smile, say hello, help strangers carry things. This came as an incredible shock to me. I love it.

-I was spoiled in RI with Salt Pond Yoga. I can’t find a yoga place with a teacher anywhere near as amazing that doesn’t cost your first born child to attend. Bummer. Guess its going to have to be podcasts for me.

-In general the people of New York are wound super tight. This was expected. I was told by someone at my work that I seem like someone who smokes weed all the time. I replied “nope, I’m just not crazy worked up like you people” I think it might’ve been the first time in my life I was referred to as “mellow”.

-There’s so much to see here and a huge portion of it is free. I love it.

I think that’s all I’ve got for now. It’s too hot in this city to think.